pharmacutical ads are the devil

where are all these diseases coming from? we've been on this planet for billions of years, do we really need medicine for restless leg syndrome?

I like that I did this at work

Cause now I feel like I'm getting paid to write. It's funny how life works. I was feeling all jazzed about my little affair and as quickly and intensely as it began it ended. That's because boys are stupid. Not just in a general superficial men are from mars way, but they are taught to be boys and not men. This society isn't formed to build adults. Our parents are so busy trying to retain the youth they've built entire industries around that our adulthood was never considered because it would mean they had to age. And more than age, they'd have to mature to a point where they would be forced to look at themselves and see their errors contextually and take responsibility for them. Maybe I'm talking out of my ass or only of my personal experience, but I have a ton of friends whose parents are like big children. Emotionally retarded adults or immature children. It's a mess.

I say all that to say that I tend to gravitate toward men who have a certain boyishness in their behavior that I find attractive until it's annoyingly short term and immature. Artist types tend to be like this. It's the nature of the beast. I'm immature too, so I can call it because I'm familiar with it. I was raised by immature people.

Fuck this

i'm so fucking sick of not writing and being afraid of people (like my dad) seeing my writing and being horrified by the reality of my life. the carefully constructed me that's good and pure and loves the world and who's a big ball of love and light- she's all fucked up. and she loves to use the word fuck. and she is me. i just read a friends blog that's so gorgeous and personal and profound. i claim to be a writer and i don't write. i think the scariest thing is that i'm afraid everyone (including myself) will discover what a fraud i am. but isn't everybody? i work on the commercials for christsake. it's full of the most fraudulent assholes you'll ever meet. if i don't write what i want... i'm going to die.

i drink too much and i smoke too much. i don't have enough sex. i don't have enough money all the time. i hate being politically correct. i watch too much tv. i'm way too self centered and i don't do enough for others. i do too much for others a lot. i love my therapist. i'm having a little affair that i'm really digging right now and it scares me a little. i'm not sure how to have relationships and i always intellectualize emotions since they scare the shit out of me. i'm always sure somebody knows more than me, well because there's always someone who knows more than me about just about everything i could possibly think i know. boys scare me. i'm a big ball of fear.
but boys scare me because i love to love and love very easily. and probably stink of desperation so it means that losers usually love me. but since i know that it makes me wary of them because i'm growing and changing and keep believing that this one, whichever one we're on, is gonna be different. it's a fucked up situation.

N word- Balls!!!!

I just got an email from my friends re: Nas’s new album and how it’s called “the N word” or something like that. This sparked the conversation about this infamous N word (which is the most ridiculous euphamism I’ve ever heard). This is what I think about that part…..
They can bury the word “nigger” all they want. I’m gonna use it. It might not be right, but I don’t care. Why aren't we burying “patriarchy” or “white supremacy”. I’ll get a fancy hat for those funerals. Those words are murderous systems. The so-called N word is an ugly noun. It has no power other than taking our eyes off the prize and keeping us focused on things not going to help us systematically change our environments. So f the n word.

As long as we’re focusing our energies on Jesse Jackson’s bullshit, we won’t get to the point of any real movement and continue to practice civil rights movement protests and effigies in the technological age. That’s like buying a rotary cell phone. It’s analog behavior in a digital age. Marches, picket signs, sit-in’s wearing black in solidarity (which was easy for me- I live in NYC… nobody noticed). This simulacrum of progress is a more detrimental exercise than being an unarmed black man anywhere on these shores.