Fuck this

i'm so fucking sick of not writing and being afraid of people (like my dad) seeing my writing and being horrified by the reality of my life. the carefully constructed me that's good and pure and loves the world and who's a big ball of love and light- she's all fucked up. and she loves to use the word fuck. and she is me. i just read a friends blog that's so gorgeous and personal and profound. i claim to be a writer and i don't write. i think the scariest thing is that i'm afraid everyone (including myself) will discover what a fraud i am. but isn't everybody? i work on the commercials for christsake. it's full of the most fraudulent assholes you'll ever meet. if i don't write what i want... i'm going to die.

i drink too much and i smoke too much. i don't have enough sex. i don't have enough money all the time. i hate being politically correct. i watch too much tv. i'm way too self centered and i don't do enough for others. i do too much for others a lot. i love my therapist. i'm having a little affair that i'm really digging right now and it scares me a little. i'm not sure how to have relationships and i always intellectualize emotions since they scare the shit out of me. i'm always sure somebody knows more than me, well because there's always someone who knows more than me about just about everything i could possibly think i know. boys scare me. i'm a big ball of fear.
but boys scare me because i love to love and love very easily. and probably stink of desperation so it means that losers usually love me. but since i know that it makes me wary of them because i'm growing and changing and keep believing that this one, whichever one we're on, is gonna be different. it's a fucked up situation.