Sorry I missed your Oscar Party, but I was having a bit of a nervous breakdown

I was supposed to go to a friends Oscar Party Sunday. I missed it. He's pissed. Oops. But then today, I IM'd him just to see if we were cool and he sends me this snide little note about spending a lot of time and money and disappointed that I didn't make it or call. I apologized again with my pithy "sorry, couldn't make it" and got no response. Then when I vomited up "and my phone was turned off Sunday because my bill was over $600 and so was the cable and my dad wants me to move to dc or else he won't help me anymore and I'm 5 months behind in rent which all came crashing down on me Sunday morning. I would have been a bit of a party pooper since my best friend had to come over and do a little care for me". Only then did I get a response. WTF? I was totally wrong for not calling. But I didn't want to. I don't want to keep telling that story and it's the main reason I'm not going out anywhere.

I understand that this is one of my more self important friends, and he did put a lot of work into it and was very excited about his party.

But I'm tired of explaining to people who make shitloads more money than me that although I don't have to bring something to your house it's tacky not to. And since I'm always the one black girl (and I know race isn't a major factor) I'm always the poor black girl. And I'm not even a girl any more. I'm the poor black woman. And I wouldn't even mind that if his crowd wasn't the crowd always trying to outdo each other and making snarky side shots under their breath. And if I'd said this to my friend, would he have understood? Maybe, but I didn't really want to talk to him about it because he could be as snide and snarky as the best of them. When I'm in high times, it's cute. When I'm not, I want to punch faces.

So Sunday I was in no mood to sit around being fabulous, meeting boyfriends and not betting in the Oscar pool cause I didn't have but $20 to last me the rest of the week. I'm so tired of the ridiculous amounts of money I have from day to day and didn't trust that there wouldn't be ridicule because my conversations tend to surround that fact right now. I'm also not in the mood to justify my life and my choices to a bunch of people I don't know. I'm sure I'm reading too much into the situation, but I've been in the situation too many times to not have my trepidations. I'm not so much fun to be around with new people. I'm lucky to have a place close to me where I know the people and I can relax and enjoy the company of people I know and like and who reciprocate without judgements.