under pressure

my dad has offered me an opportunity to move down to dc so i can get some relief from all of these money woes that are plaguing me here in ny. i love that he wants to help me. i think it's great. but not the condition that i move down there and live in an apt. above them. my family are the straightest people i know, next to my paternal grandparents, who also live in dc. i love my dad, but stimulating conversations would be cut to a minimum. too much fast food, too many shallow ideas, too little thinking outside of a limited view. my dad's a great thinker but he's not living the life he always dreamed about with me. and the life he's living has made him more financial secure than he's ever been but he's a different dad. he has a baby and a life that didn't exist when i came about. and the time he wants to spend with me now, he feels he can help make up for the time he missed when i was a kid. i get that. but that time has passed. and i feel guilty enough for not being overjoyed at the prospect of work and cheaper housing and some help with my discipline. but that's just it as well isn't it? He said we could help discipline each other. a lot of the reasoning has to do with him and what he wants. well of course it does darling. that's how the world works. i live so much in what i want all the time that i always question if it's what i want, don't want or don't care about.


i'd be closer to my little sister, and that would be great, but we talk on the phone everyday.

i also don't like that if feels like unconditional surrender of my writing goals and dreams. he contends that i can write down there and, of course, i can. but would i? that move's a soul killer. i'm trying to do this writing thing here which is slow as molasses, but i'm doing it. arghhhhh.